Rain God Indra says, no more Badals for Punjab

Lord Indra, the rain god has refused to burden Punjab with more Badals since there were already many, top sources in the heaven have revealed.

The meeting held in the Heaven’s, Durbar Hall, last Sunday under the Chairmanship of lord Indra, unanimously passed this decision not to burden Punjab with more clouds urf Badals.

‘They have such heavy weight Badals in Punjab that why do they need our services,’ Indra is supposed to have asked when Punjab’s case for monsoons was put forward by his secretary Narain Dutt Gilke.

‘We cannot deplete our resources like this,’ Indra said while sipping hot cappuccino that is now available in heaven through Coffee cafe days.

‘It takes drops and drops to make rain and I have no intention of sending more Badals where there are already so many,’ he said filing Punjab's case within seconds. 'Do you want people to die of floods,' he is supposed to have asked the smagam.

Top administrative sources up in the heaven in a lightning call to our office, said, 'though Mela Ram, secretary South-West monsoons pleaded Punjab’s case with a point that Badals in Punjab were not rain Badals, but a family; Inder is supposed to have snubbed him up saying the last time when he had showered Punjab with so much rain, they had claimed all credit for it.

Mela Ram, say sources, even went to the extent of saying that there was one Badal less now and corroborated his argument with newspaper cuttings which said that the Deputy CM SS Badal had resigned from the post. Mela Ram insisted that the Punjab’s parched land can only be helped by Bhagwan Indra’s Badals and not the ones that come through voting machines and move with beacon lights.

‘Don’t be a kid Mela Ram,’ Inder is supposed to have rebuked his secretary by showing him the latest newspapers which said that the former Deputy CM would be contesting from Jalalabad.

Sources revealed that Mela Ram who reached heaven a few centuries ago from Punjab has sent a secret circular to Lord Shiva, who represents complete cyclic process of generation, destruction, and regeneration to put in a word to Indra and help Punjabis.

Shiva as per sources, however, has expressed his inability to do anything till another three years in a communiqué dated July 10, say sources.

(It's just a humour piece.)

Underwear add responsible for India's debacle?

London-Clash in date for an underwear add shoot has been the root cause for India’s early elimination from the Twenty-Twenty World Cup. This top secret was revealed by Indian Captain MS Dhoni’s childhood friend Challa Singh Autopin whom Dhoni had called up from his Aircel phone immediately after the loss to England.

Challa Singh, who could not hold back his disappointment, sent an audio file of the conversation while on his way to his auto parts showroom in Patna.

'French Kache ki add ka dateuva tha’, Dhoni had told Challa Singh sharing the reason why his team did not look interested in winning the crucial match against England. The win would have made the tour very long, and the French advertisement company has been pressing us for a date ever since the tournament got underway. They had threatened the boys that they would hire the Australian Team since they were also free.

Dhoni in fact shared with his friend that how Yusuf Pathan was reprimanded in the dressing room for that valiant six in the last over.
‘Bana banayi khel kharab kar diya tha, one team-mate is supposed to have remarked who when gets a short-pitched ball, wishes he were wearing diapers. Realising that he has a short career in cricket he didn’t want to lose this juicy advertisement offer.

Challa Singh who was sobbing inconsolably on two accounts-firstly for India having been thrown out of the tournament and secondly for sneaking on his friend, said that the boys after losing the game had immediately called upon IPL founder to thank him for giving them IPL which took its toll, enabling them to fulfil their add commitment. The IPL chief is supposed to have assured the players of two IPLs next year and the players reportedly had a glee on their face when informed about this move.

IPL out of India, India out of T Twenty world cup, Indian fans can look forward to seeing their cricketers in action through advertisements which as per sources range from under wears to refined oil. Challa Singh, said, Dhoni might even do an advertisement for his auto spare parts show room.

(This is a humour piece after India crashed out of the T Twenty)

Slap in time great for Indian Cricket

Chandigarh- In a message to all dads on the occasion of the second T –Twenty world Cup, Yograj Singh, father of ace Indian batsman Yuvraj Singh has said that all children who are into sissy sports should be spanked.
He said this while addressing media persons at his petrol pump in sector 17, Chandigarh’s main shopping centre.”

You see slapping is directly proportionate to a great cricketing career said the former test cricketer who is rumoured to have fired six pistol shots in the air celebrating his son’s six sixes in one over in the last Twenty-Twenty World cup in South Africa.

“If I hadn’t slapped Yuvraj when he had come home with a gold medal in roller skating, India would not have had a Yuvi, he said explaining the positive sides of spanking the children at the opportune time.
“If slapped for a national cause, there is no harm done, he said rubbishing reporters who opined that each child had different talents and parents should motivate them as per their talent.
“So would you prefer Yuvraj Singh on skates or playing kho-kho,” he asked the reporters, irked by their baseless logic. I will advise Yuvraj to use the same tactics if he has a son when he gets married, said dad Yograj who is aiming at dynastic rule in cricket.

The press conference however hit a road-block when when Billu, Yuvraj’s roller skating coach turned up at the petrol pump and accused Yuvraj’s father from snatching away great roller- skating talent. Had it not been for Yograj, India would have been number one in roller-skating, he shouted
Raising anti-cricket slogans like ‘cricket Hai Hai’ and ‘T Twenty Hai Hai’, the Roller skating enthusiasts who accompanied the coach on their wheels, alleged that cricket was proving to be a threat to roller skating rinks. They said they were considering a skating outside 10 Downing Street during the course of the T Twenty to raise awareness for Roller Skating.

A chuddy-buddy of Yuvraj, who was with him when Yograj threatened to break his son’s legs if he ever skated again, remembered how his friend’s dad on his trip abroad would get Super Hero toys like Superman, Batman and Spiderman, to motivate his son for a super career in cricket.
He always associated Super Hero toys characters with fours and sixes,' said the chuddy-buddy who did not want to be named for fear of being slapped.

Sources said that the key to Yuvi’s performance till date was fear as the sound of his dad’s slap still hounds him each time he goes in to bat.

(This is a just humour piece)

Conversation with God.

In a surprise call at about 1.20 pm on seventh, June, a messenger from god came looking for Satya. All pleading to postpone affairs fell to deaf dears as a determined god insisted he could do nothing in this matter.

'But prayer is the art to conquer the impossible,' I said my plead turning into an argument with god after the messenger put him on line via his satellite phone. And I have been praying for her good health all night.

'Oh! You humans! When will you realise that billboards with footballers saying 'Nothing is impossible’ is just to sell you shoes.’

'The other day flying past India’s Connaught place I saw one big billboard saying ‘Impossible is nothing, and I asked my secretary when will the human mind evolve’, said god his voice polite but sarcastic enough to belittle me.

‘And by the way dude who told you prayers were the art of conquering the impossible,’ asked the voice on the other side of the phone.
‘No one. But I grew up with this idea,’ I replied still trying to hold my ground and find an opening where I could argue my case further.

‘I believe there are churches, Gurudwaras, Temples and Mosques selling you this product called prayer. And what I hear is there is a prayer for everything - good results, long life, sexy wife and even a prayer to get in touch with me. Book stores are full with volumes and volumes of books on ways and methods of how to pray and reach me.

'So what’s the harm,' I asked. 'Since I am talking to you, it means you exist. But you are one hell of a cool guy,' I said trying to humour him, hoping he listened to my case more carefully.

'Ha ha,' laughed the voice.

‘Prayer to me just seems some kind of a balm...ummm...like the ‘Tiger Balm’ the guys with the small eyes make. It can give you momentary relief, but the inevitable is unavoidable, his voice suddenly showing sense of urgency.’

‘I need to disconnect,’ said the voice citing seven missed calls from his office in Mars.

Beaji, my grandmother breathed her last.

Chipko to Chopsticks.

Chandigarh—Reliable sources in the state capital have revealed that in the upcoming cabinet meeting, the Punjab government in all likelihood is set to pass an order whereby all of Punjab’s forest will be made available to make Chopsticks and Datuns (traditional Indian toothbrush).

The idea as per information was proposed by a very senior cabinet minister who felt that since the trees in Punjab’s forests were malnutrition-ed and very thin, they would make great raw material for dental and food accessory industry.

The CM is believed to have given an immediate nod to the proposal terming it as a brainwave of an idea.

The minister, say sources, in a hurriedly convened meeting with the Punjab Chief Minister at the latter’s residence, took out a crumpled piece of paper from his Kurta pocket and updated the CM on facts and figures about Punjab’s dental problems and the adverse effects of toothpastes on tooth enamel.

According to our source, who, apparently was hiding behind the curtains, the idea caught the Chief Minister’s fancy when the minister had mentioned that more than half of the state’s population had ‘kidas’ (ants) in their teeth and it and would make a great political move to connect with such a large chunk of voters at one go.

The Chief Minister is reported to have summoned his principal secretary immediately by pressing the ‘ghanti’, ordering him to prepare a feasibility report immediately.

The move, say bureaucrats could save the new trees the government proposes to plant, as Datuns, if stacked properly could be well double up as fuel-wood.

Sources say the scheme was at an advanced stage of implementation and a letter has already been shot off to owners of Swiss company Vixen that makes one of the best axes since use of blunt axes could lead to serious environmental violations.

The government does not want to raise the hackles of NGO’s like Greenpeace and give them a chance to vitiate the existing peaceful atmosphere for which it has also called up few zoos to check if they have elephants , specialising in uprooting trees.

Not denying the move, a top officer in the CM secretariat said, "that since the government wanted to add value to this brilliant idea, it was considering manufacturing Chopsticks out of species that were not fit for datuns."

Chopstick as per him was the first cousin of datun, and this move would give a boost to agro-forestry in Punjab.

“Also, since China is sending so many things to Punjab, including pictures of Babaji, Punjab, it was felt must return the favour in equal measure,” he said while explaining the logic behind this new move.

"Our friends in China and Japan are fond of eating Chowmein and since wood is dwindling we have decided to sign a MOU with both the governments because we understand there are many children in both the countries who go to bed hungry if they don’t eat chowmein with Chopsticks," added the same officer.

Asked if this was intended to placate a fuming Japan that loaned almost eight hundred crores to save Punjab’s ecology, the officer rubbished the journalist by saying, "Japan on the contrary should be grateful to Punjab, because had the money been appropriately used, Japan would not have got chopsticks."

The concerned minister when contacted for further information refused to come on line and threw his mobile phone out of the car.

(This is a humour piece. Enjoy. June 5 is World Environment day)

Australia Bans Punjabi Music-High Alert declared.

New Delhi- In a secret circular to the airport authorities, the Australian government has asked security agencies to frisk arriving Indian passengers thoroughly and not allow any one of them to escape with Bhangra Pop Music.

The order is to be strictly implemented, especially with passport holders from Punjab tells our source who was shaving in one of the toilets of the Melbourne International Airport when he overheard two security officials discuss this new direction. He quickly applied shaving cream the second time to get further information.

The circular was issued by the Home department after Australian government ruled out racism behind the recent attacks on Indians and held Bhangra music to be the root cause for the recent surge in violent incidents.

An investigation by the Australian police has, (copy is with us) concluded that since Aussies were colour blind, colour had nothing to with present pangebazi (conflict) between Australian and Indian students.

“Bhangra music rattles the Australian brain and provokes them to fight,” said Dr. Richard Brien, a renowned psychiatrist from Melbourne.

“You see the Bhaangra music is full of energy and if this energy is not directed in the right direction it can lead to all round mayhem, said D. Brien referring to the loud music Indians insist on playing on their I pods or I phones while using Public transport.

“Either you dance, or fight. And since the Aussies don’t know the Bhangra dance they are naturally inclined to fight mate,” he affirmed after counselling at least fifty odd Aussies.

Our source informed us that the government order also specifies Punjabi songs that have a higher potential to trigger fights, Down Under.

Terming them as ‘high risk singers’ the government along with the order has attached a list of singers, since their music reportedly instigates Australians the maximum.

Babbu Mann and Pummi Bai top the charts as the latter’s one particular song is said to inspire twirling of the moustache, irking Aussies no bounds.

Singer, Late Bindrakhia’s music is third on the list and security officials who have been provided with hi-tech music metres have been specifically asked keep their ears open for the song ‘toon nahin boldi tere vich tera yaar bolda.’

“We do not want a similar situation when cricketer Andrew Symonds had misinterpreted spinner Harbhajan Singh’s Maan ki abuse with monkey,” said a top cop, indicating that this particular song of Mr. Bind-Rak-Yaa had tremendous potential of being taken as a racial slur.

(This is a humor piece. Enjoy.)

In God, We believe !

In God, We Believe !

The Punjab Government has decided that instead of governing the state,it from now on would be heavily depending on almighty to run the state.

The announcement comes after the Chief Minister and his deputy visited the holiest Sikh Shrine, the Golden Temple, on Wednesday, three days after mindless violence rocked Punjab and threatened to engulf the entire state.

“We’ve also advised the police to give up their lathis and visit nearby religious places as maintaining law and order can become an unholy affair since it needs stern handling, even a lathi charge, said the Deputy CM of Punjab while speaking to media persons who had gathered in large numbers outside the temple complex to gain an insight to this novel way of functioning.

"It’s called ‘Rab Asra’ (God's mercy) and has been working wonders in countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan and breakaway USSR countries ",said the Deputy CM.

So much was his enthusiasm to share details about ‘Rab Asra’ ,that he requested his father to remain mum as he knew how to handle media-persons better than anyone else.

“I am told it has better results than good governance," he added emphatically so that even the dumb journos like me didn’t miss the point.

Top sources in the state capital, Chandigarh, revealed that this historical decision was taken at a cabinet meeting held on 19th May at the Chief Minister’s residence after violence had spread in five Punjab five districts leading to curfew.

“The cabinet decided to implement ‘Rab Asra ’ program immediately since it felt that the problem was god sent, said a cabinet minister who called up his close journalist friends from under the table while this decision was being considered.

'What else do you make of this- hoya Vienna which -reaction Jalandhar which,'- a senior member of the cabinet is supposed to have asserted in the meeting while trying to prove that the problem indeed was god sent.

'Within two and a half years we’ve had two godly issues Dera and Dera,' he is supposed to have said thanking almighty with folded his hands for such divine intervention.

So that the new vision is implemented in its truest spirit, the state government has ordered compensation for all those injured while vandalising property, value of which runs into a couple of thousand crores.

Policemen who did not adhere by the state's new law and 'lathi charged' folks who were destroying public property will have to face music, said a Government spokesperson who did not want to be named.

"Hopefully the guilty policemen will be brought to book fast.We have asked all SSP’s to submit their report at the earliest," he added while warning the police not to take law in their own hand wile dealing with such situations.

A source also revealed that since ‘Rab Asra’ was Punjab government's new mantra, it was seriously contemplating to do away with law enforcement agencies by sending them on deputation to shopping malls.

‘Shop Lifting is on the rise and we will take all measures to curb this menace,’ added the same source.

Not even a lollipop will be allowed to be stolen since it discourages investors to come to the state, he said.

It's a simple humour piece on Punjab Politics.Enjoy. (cartoon courtsey http://www.worldsikhnews.com/)

Punjab Boils-Govt watches !

Monday evening when Prannoy Roy had asked former Punjab DGP, KPS Gill, that how he would have tackled the situation, the super-cop, with a smirk on his face had replied-‘I wouldn’t have let such a situation arise.’

Yes, as Punjab boils due to the silliest of reasons, the problem, it is emerging is purely because of unwillingness on part of the state government to tackle the situation with a stern hand as NurMahal by-poll knocks at its door.

How otherwise would you justify Monday’s ‘Bandh’ call given by the ruling party who seems well endowed towards its political obligations rather than constitutional? Ensuring peace and safety of people and their property remains the prime job of any government and if it fails to provide this, it definitely does not augment well on its functioning.

Traversing through the violence effected towns it is apparent that the violence is not directed towards any particular caste, religion or sect. It is not Dalits versus Sikhs as it is being made out to be.

The guys on the streets even don’t know in which country the incident occurred- ‘Bhaji joe Australia wich hoya na, uhde karke’ is the answer they give when asked about the reason behind this mindless carnage.

Majority of them even don’t know the name of the sect head injured in the firing but yet all of them are brandishing swords, iron-clubs, clubs, etc, etc.
So you see it’s all about ‘goondas’ wanting to have a field day using the firing incident in Austria as an alibi and the government letting them have their free will.

Free will to the extent that a group dared to attack the convoy of the Inspector General of Police, Jalandhar Zone. Punjabis known to be subservient to the Khaki take such an extreme step only when they know that the guy in front is simply a paper tiger.

Punjab police, a force that made a reputation for itself for having quelled terrorism has by its political masters been reduced to a state of impotency, struggling to secure even its own self. Whether it itself is to be blamed for its present status, is a separate question.

So what exactly happened in Vienna, Austria?

Apparently the genesis of the problem lies in the fight over Gurudwara offerings which finally catapulted into a gory firing incident.

Vienna that does not have a large Punjabi population only had one small Gurudwara located on Rudolfshein Street. It may be noted that since parts of guru Ravidass’s teachings, who was born in Benares in 1377 AD find place in the Sikh holy book Guru Granth Sahib, dalits who have converted into Sikhism use the Sikh holy book as their holy scripture and are called Ravidasia Sikhs.

The non-sikh dalits also subscribe to the holy granth but only read Guru Ravidass’s or Kabir’s teachings from the Granth.

It was a few months ago that the followers of Ravidass who are also called 'Aadharmis' decided to set up their own Gurudwara. The new Ravidass Gurudwara incidentally is on the same street.

Aadharmis, being an affluent emigrant community, the offerings at the Sikh Gurudwara started dwindling much to the annoyance of hard-line Sikhs who have carried their caste biases along with them to their adopted countries.

The tension reached a flashpoint when Dera Sachkhand head Niranjan Dass was attacked in the Ravidass Gurudwara on grounds that he was not upholding the Maryada of the Guru Granth Sahib.

The hardliners were objecting to the followers of Nirnajan Dass touching his feet in the presence of the Holy Guru Granth, since no one can be supreme than the holy book.

Dwindling finances, caste bias and disrespect for each other’s religious customs ultimately formed a deadly combination and resulted in the firing incident which left two dead, including deputy head of the sect.

Coming back to Punjab- why is it that Punjab’s dalit population is reacting so sharply to something that happened thousands of miles away?

Five of Punjab's districts are under curfew (Hoshiarpur, Jalandhar, Ludhiana, Kapurthala, Patiala). Two people have been killed, train bogeys burnt and property worth crores and crores has been destroyed.

The logical explanation being given is that since the sect headquarters are based out of Jalandhar district which is part of the doaba (land between Satluj and Beas) that has about 29% dalit population, a reaction such as this, was imminent.

If it was imminent what was the government doing to take preventive measures?

I’ll tell you what- it was abiding by Kakaji’s and Babaji’s orders who thought it better to let the state go to hell than antagonise a large chunk of voters.

Goons have been once again allowed to set the political agenda for Punjab as Dalit organisations have condemned the carnage.

Punjab's tryst with destiny?

If Tuesday was America's tryst with destiny; Wednesday was no less crucial from Punjab's point of view.

The unprecedented move where 46 year old Sukhbir Singh, President of Shiromani Akali Dal was sworn in as the deputy Chief Minister to his father however had one basic difference.

If Tuesday's event was a watershed in America's history where the power of the people prevailed, Punjab on Wednesday rewrote the annalsof dynastic rule. Never in the history of India have a father and son been Chief Minister and deputy CM, respectively.

"Imagine a situation where the father is the CM, son Deputy CM, nephew the finance minister and son-in-law Food and civil supplies minister, and the coalition partner on whom the very existence of the government rests, sits and watches this blasphemy taking place, said a senior Punjab BJP leader, sulking at the developments.

The move which even a green horn can judge is nothing but a father's attempt to slowly hand over the state's mantle also blemishes theOctogenarian's long time position, of a selfless Punjab leader.

The justification that Punjab requires fresh blood loses merit as more andmore Badals find place in the cabinet. Perhaps the rest of the youth is squandering its time consuming drugs or drinking alcohol in illegalvends in Punjab villages (a few were burnt by women in Hoshiarpur district).

"The senior Badal should have made him the CM the very first day, says a senior Akali leader who feels this act has tarnished SAD's imageimmensely. It shows we fear a strong anti-incumbency in the Lok Sabha and Sukhbir's pre-mature coronation is an attempt to put him in thesaddle's seat before it gets embarrassing. To equate his elevation on the lines of Omar Abdulalh also holds no currency amongst the masses, as political observers feel there is noparallel between the two, except that they have studied from the same school and are from political families.

For Sukhbir, since he has chosen the dynasty path to reach the top,the challenge would be to become a man of the masses rather than aleader of Akali Dal, alone.

Unlike Wednesday, when Akali workers were ferried by District Transport Officers, Tehsildars and Patwaris to Amritsar, true joy will be in witnessing millions throng on their own accord, to see Punjab's tryst with destiny. You will have then arrived, Kakaji! Congratulations for the time being!